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Nebraska Family Council
1106 E Street, Lincoln, NE 68508-3511

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Tips for Talking to Teens

Drug abuse is so widespread in our culture that you cannot expect to isolate your child from exposure to it. You can, however, take specific steps to reduce the likelihood of contact with drugs and build your child's immunity to using them. These measures should be ongoing, deliberate and proactive.


LISTEN THEN SPEAK

Student surveys reveal that when parents listen to their children's feelings and concerns, their kids feel comfortable talking with them and are more likely to open up to you about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with drugs and alcohol.

Also, Talk to your teens about drugs and alcohol in such a way that will encourage open communication and encourage them to say "no" to drugs and alcohol.

Ask for your teen's opinions about drug and alcohol use. Is it something that he or she thinks is okay if used recreationally or socially? Is it something that he or she has tried? Is it something that he or she is having a problem with currently? Is it something that he or she has tried but is uninterested in trying again? These are all good questions to ask to help get the conversation going.

LEARN THE FACTS

Preventing drug abuse really begins with preventing drug use. Some children as young as third and fourth grades feel pressured to try drugs - especially gateway drugs like alcohol, nicotine (tobacco), and marijuana. Research shows that each of these can increase the chance that the user will turn to even more dangerous drugs like crack or other forms of cocaine, and stimulant or depressant pills. The average age of the first use of illicit drugs (including alcohol) is 12 years!

The majority of teenagers have at least experimented with drugs or alcohol by the end of high school. It's a well-known fact among those that work with adolescents. Even if your teen doesn't talk about it, it is an issue that he or she either has faced or will face during the high school years.

Make sure the information that you offer fits the child's age and stage. When your 6 or 7-year-old is brushing his teeth, you can say, "There are lots of things we do to keep our bodies healthy, like brushing our teeth. But there are also things we shouldn't do because they hurt our bodies, like smoking or taking medicines when we are not sick."

If you are watching TV with your 8 year-old and marijuana is mentioned on a program, you can say, "Do you know what marijuana is? It's a bad drug that can hurt your body." If your child has more questions, answer them. If not, let it go. Short, simple comments said and repeated often enough will get the message across.

You can offer your older child the same message, but add more drug-specific information. For example, you might explain to your 12-year-old what marijuana and crack look like, their street names and how they can affect his body.

COMMUNICATE
  • The facts about how drugs harm people - young people especially. Physical harm - slowed growth, impaired coordination, etc. Social harm - being disconnected from society, loss of friendships, loss of interest. Educational harm - impaired memory and attention levels, and reduced motivation.
  • The fact that you do not find drug use acceptable. Many children say their parents never stated this simple principle. Don't forget to point out that these drugs are against the law.
  • The fact that there are lots of positive drug-free alternatives, and you will help your children explore them.
  • The fact that you place high value on your child's good, special qualities - qualities that drugs can and will destroy or diminish.
  • The power to say no - A clear message about the behavior you expect; your trust in your child to live up to your hopes; the belief that your child, knowing right from wrong, is smart enough to choose rightly and say no to drugs.

WAYS TO COMMUNICATE
  • Calmly and openly - Discuss frankly and without anger the facts about drugs. Don't exaggerate. The facts are chilling in and of themselves.
  • In terms of subject matter, not personalities - Challenging current friends might lead to defensive or defiant behavior.
  • Face to face, exchanging information and understanding - Be an active listener and let your child tell you what he or she knows about drugs, what his or her own experiences have been, what fears or concerns already exist.
  • Through "teachable moments" - In contrast to a formal sit-down lecture, use a variety of situations - television news, TV dramas, books, newspapers, local situations. Capitalize on one point. You'll have opportunities to make other points. Ask the child how he or she would have reacted, what else might have been done or might have happened.
  • As an ongoing dialogue - Communication won't be as effective if the subject is brought up in one massive lecture. Anti-drug use messages should be an ongoing theme when you talk with your child. The content and intent should be repeated as an accepted family value. But be sure you encourage and allow for two-way communication.
  • Remember that you set the example - your child will compare your actions with your words and be guided accordingly. If you choose to drink, never mix drinking with driving or any other activity requiring skill and coordination. If you smoke, it would help you and your child if you could quit. And don't use illegal drugs. Period!
  • Be creative! You and your child might act out various situations in which someone tries to pressure someone else to take a drug. Figure out two or three ways to handle each situation and talk about which is best. Role-playing is one way to practice decision-making skills.

BUILDING DRUG RESISTANT ATTITUDES
  • Create an environment that consistently balances love and limits. Kids who know they are loved unconditionally are less likely to seek "pain relief" through drugs, and those who have learned to live within appropriate boundaries will have better impulse control and self-discipline.
  • Instill respect and awe for the God-given gift of a body and mind--even one that isn't perfect.
  • Encourage church-related activities that build a meaningful personal faith. Reliance on God is the cornerstone of drug treatment programs, and it makes no sense to leave the spiritual dimension out of the prevention process. A vibrant faith reinforces the concept that the future is worth protecting, stabilizes the emotions during turbulent years, and provides a healthy response to the aches and pains of life.

BUILD SELF-ESTEEM

Kids who feel good about themselves are much less likely than other kids to turn to illegal substances to get high.
As parents, we can do many things to enhance our children's self-image. Here are some pointers:

  • Offer lots of praise for any job well done.
  • If you need to criticize your child, talk about the action, not the person. If your son gets a math problem wrong, it's better to say, "I think you added wrong. Let's try again."
  • Assign do-able chores. A 6-year-old can bring her plate over to the sink after dinner; a 12-year-old can feed and walk the dog after school. Performing such duties and being praised for them helps your child feel good about himself.
  • Spend one-on-one time with your youngster. Setting aside at least 15 uninterrupted minutes per child per day to talk, play a game, or take a walk together, let them know you care.
  • Say, "I love you." Nothing will make your child feel better.

REPEAT THE MESSAGE
Information and lessons about drugs are important enough to repeat frequently. So be sure to answer your children's questions as often as they ask them to initiate conversation whenever the opportunity arises.CREATE CONSEQUENCES
You may improve the odds by making it clear that you consider the use of cigarettes, alcohol or illegal drugs a very serious matter. However, if your adolescent confesses that he tried a cigarette or a beer at a party and expresses an appropriate resolve to avoid a repeat performance, a heart-to-heart conversation would be more appropriate than grounding him for six months.

FAMILY POSITION ON DRUGS

Even in families that hold strong values and practice ongoing drug-proofing, there are no guarantees that substance abuse won't affect one or more of your children. If you have to cope with the chemical intruder(s) in your home, keep the following principles in mind:

  • Don't deny or ignore the problem. If you do, it is likely to continue to worsen until your family life is turned inside out.
  • Don't wallow in false guilt. Most parents assume a great deal of self-blame when a drug problem erupts in their home. If you do carry some responsibility for what has happened, face up to it, confess it to God and your family, and then get on with the task of helping your child.
It's okay to say, "We don't allow any drug use and children in this family are not allowed to drink alcohol. The only time that you can take any drugs is when the doctor or Mom or Dad gives you medicine when you're sick. We made this rule because we love you very much and we know that drugs can hurt your body and make you very sick; some may even kill you. Do you have any questions?"

BE A GOOD EXAMPLE

Children will do what you do, much more readily than what you say. So don't reach for a beer the minute you come home after a tough day; it sends the message that drinking is the best way to unwind. Offer dinner guests non-alcoholic drinks. And take care not to pop pills, even over-the-counter remedies, indiscriminately.

SUSPECT A PROBLEM?

While kids under age 12 rarely develop a substance problem, it can and does happen. If your child becomes withdrawn, loses weight, starts doing poorly in school, turns extremely moody, has glassy eyes or if the drugs in your medicine cabinet seem to be disappearing too quickly, talk with your child. You'll be helping your youngster to a healthier, happier future.

Finally, don't be afraid to ask for help!